V Is for Vulnerable
My childhood experiences taught me that I need to hide my weakness otherwise I will be bullied. You know when you are a group of friends with an odd number count and you are the one no-one wants to pair with. This happened a lot with me during my childhood. Also academically I was an average student and all my other friends were like class toppers so I was this shy, under confident girl in school.
A few years back, we had our school re-union and my classmates saw me as a complete different person. They were surprised. One of them even told me that she just remembers me as who would always be fearful and keep crying at the drop of a hat. She was like, wow, how much have you changed!
These experiences made me believe that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. We feel that if we share our innermost feelings we will be judged. I have strong viewpoints as a feminist but I was afraid to voice them even amongst my family members because I have seen women tending to the needs of others unhappily but glorifying their behaviour.
So, I chose to keep my views to myself but felt suffocated. I had to get out of this situation because it was affecting my mental health and also my closest relationships.
Thanks to the ‘Pursuit of Balance’ course that I took in March, I realised that being vulnerable is not a weakness but a strength. Thanks to this course, I found a community wherein all of us were going through some difficulty in understanding our life and realised that it didn’t matter to us to be vulnerable. We knew we will not be judged because we were all coming from the same place and had come here looking for answers.
Yes, I have my husband and few very close friends in my life with whom I can be vulnerable, but if I were to tell you honestly, there are few things about me that I haven’t been comfortable sharing with them. And that is not because they will judge me but I sometime I do feel embarrassed and ashamed.
But, I have taken the first few steps towards this journey. Because finding a balance is life is not a destination but a journey. And being vulnerable is very difficult and it will take time for me but I will get there.
However, I am now more open about my views, the fear of judgement has reduced to a great extent. I actually do not care about what people will think, if I feel I am doing the right thing. It has certainly made me more compassionate towards myself. I restrain from self-pity and I have stopped putting blame on others. I am responsible for my life because of the choice I made.
Being vulnerable, helps me release my pent up emotions. And after a while, I feel much better. It releases all the toxic negative energy and makes me a better person. I am able to understand the other person’s perspective. I am able to understand the back story which leads to their behaviour and I am able to empathise with them. It has done wonders for me in my relationships and that has brought me great joy.
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